After four years at Chico State and three on staff with The Orion, I’ve come to the conclusion that I’ve been living a lie. For too long I’ve been hiding the fact that I’m really the person behind so many rumors and terrible things, and I’ve enjoyed it thoroughly.
As the first step of my repentance, I will now confess my role in the horrible things that have happened.
Anti-Greek bias – For years, The Orion has denied that it had an agenda against the Greek community. I stand before you today – well actually I sit at this keyboard and wait for you to finally read this – to say that this is a lie.
I have personally been rummaging through the trashcans of every fraternity and sorority to find dirt and bring down the Greek system. I’m a strong proponent of the English language, and seeing those Greek letters all over the place made me snap. I apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused.
Bringing down Associated Students government – I’ve always been a fan of anarchy, and when that photo of Brandon Loyd and Hayley Wallace showed up on Facebook, I knew this would be the perfect chance to start my wave of destruction. With this photo I managed to bring A.S. to a screeching halt and even shut down the Bell Memorial Union. At least that’s what I’ve gathered from the response after it was published. Now if only I can find a similar picture with George Bush and Nancy Pelosi … .
Undermining the sustainability movement – No, I haven’t been throwing recyclables in the trash. I came up with the word sustainability. What better way to undermine a movement than to give it a
Rose garden cameras – Back in the spring 2004 semester, I installed cameras in the statue in the George Petersen Rose Garden to spy on people. When University Police wouldn’t pay me for the hours of video showing at least 10 roses being picked, I took the cameras down.
Dug up the Beetle – If you’ve been trying to find the Volkswagen the class of 1969 allegedly buried on campus, you’re too late. I dug it up and got good money for the parts last summer.
Breaking up the basketball team – This was more of a good deed in the beginning. I figured a Final Four appearance would be tough to top, so I decided to peel away some of the pressure. I found a terrible team in need of a head coach and slipped the classified ad under then-coach Lynne Roberts’ door.
But I knew that wouldn’t be enough. So to move things along faster, I pulled some strings in the athletic department and made sure the new coach had a professional career cut short by an injury. That way, she would take out her crushed dreams on the team and destroy any chemistry that was left. After that, even the only All-American women’s basketball player in school history would want out. Speaking of which …
Amber Simmons Activity Center – It’s more of a work in progress, but if I can raise about $8 million to donate to the Wildcat Activity Center, I just might be able to get the naming rights and check this one off the list. So far, I’m up to $11.32.
But none of this compares to my most insidious crime.
I’ve taken two copies of The Orion every week and never paid the 50 cents for the second one.
I’m clearly a sick and twisted person who needs to be locked away for a long time. I hope that confessing all of these terrible deeds will at least make things better in purgatory.