Check religion at bus, Wal-Mart’s door

It’s been two weeks since Mel Gibson’s movie went to DVD. No, not “Lethal Weapon 9.”

It was The Gospel According to Mel — I mean, “The Passion of the Christ.” The grace period where I would have gone to hell if I criticized the movie is finally over (at least that’s what I’ve been told).

For once I was actually looking forward to a movie being released on DVD. I wanted a chance to partake in the glorious cross-promotions God put in Wal-Mart to help people get a little closer to Him.

When else can you get a picture book that has actual screen shots from the movie based on another book (I think it’s called “The Bible” or something). The real beauty is the way the random pictures show the beauty of the selected passages from part of one book in the New Testament.

But if you want a larger part of the story, you’ll have to buy “The Passion Bible.” I’m not making a recommendation by saying, “Buy This Book.” I’m saying if you want to actually read it, you have to buy it, because it’s shrink-wrapped. After all, nobody should get a part of God’s word for free.

One plus though: Jesus’ words are in bold and red. It’s the ultimate aid to help you use the word of your new Lord and Savior completely out of context and mold it how you please.

I was disappointed to see Mattel didn’t put out a Passion Barbie. She could have been weeping at the feet of Crucifix Ken and later find his tomb open, but nobody home (cave and Ken sold separately). Alas, she broke it off with Ken and ran off with some Aussie surfer (that slut!).

I made it through the throngs and found the movie. I didn’t buy it. If I’m going to blow my money on a movie, it better have some good special features. Then again, the movie was done in Aramaic, so the flubbed lines would have been lost on me.

I’ve already read the book based on the movie and if I didn’t, I would have been filled in on the bus. Why, you ask? Well when God is hot, so are evangelical faiths preaching their word.

For the past two weeks, I’ve been entertained by a pair of Jehovah’s Witnesses filling in people on the Bible on my bus ride to school. Take two parts JW and mix with some of Butte County’s finest (I don’t mean sheriff) and there can be some interesting discussions.

First there’s always the fun conversation starter. It typically flows like so:

Seller: Do you like candy?

Sellee: Yeah.

Seller: God likes candy.

Sellee: Really?

Then comes the pouncing.

There were a flurry of pamphlets and manuals flying around as each question had its answer pre-catalogued somewhere in the binder, with copies for everyone.

These were some of the grains of knowledge I gathered from the conversation: The world isn’t evil because we can read the Bible. The books of the Bible were written at different times, but they all agree.

But my favorite phrase by far: “The thing in Russia (the school hostage crisis) was a good thing.” They later tried to clarify it by saying Russia didn’t want to help in the war on terror, but now they will. Apparently, fighting terrorism is a requirement to get into heaven. Of course, when you only allow 144,000 people in (by order of the heavenly fire code, I guess) you have to think outside the box to hold that number.

There’s plenty more to the Bible than just Mel’s account. There’s also this thing called the Old Testament, which new-found Christians have been overlooking (with the exception of the Ten Commandments). While some parts may seem a little out of date (I don’t remember ever seeing Deuteronomy 23:1 enforced), it’s always important to read all the facts before making a case about something.

And please leave your religion at home when hopping on the bus. Otherwise, it’ll be a long walk home.

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